Throwing In The Towel
It's ok to hurt. It's ok to be you. There might be an answer but just as importantly, there might not be. After decades of suffering, I've found that I was becoming obsessed with healing and finding the cause of my sickness and disease. I have dedicated my life to natural health and even picked up a little doctorate in Naturopathy along the way. I've been diagnosed with a dozen different conditions and believe me when I tell you that many, many times I have clutched at the slightest inkling of hope when it comes to a treatment, to help alleviate the suffering. 10’s of thousands of dollars later and an exhausted body and mind, I have chosen to stand down. I have thrown in the towel on many such occasions, only to trudge through the mire and pick it back up to try one more suggestion, watch one more video, read one more article. Today though, I am letting it stay on the ground and I simply don't have the strength to pick it up. Perhaps this is the day I've actually been waiting for …
It might surprise you to learn just how many “experts” there are all touting their philosophies at the expense of human pain. I'm not talking about the ones that are genuine, they really do care about you, not how many likes they get on social media. If you find someone like that, hold onto them for dear life. What I'm talking about are the charlatans. They are good at deception, really good and so believable. That's why they exist. Like many of you, I am drawn in, looking for the one thing that will finally bring relief in my ever present and increasingly difficult hoard of symptoms. “How Long Lord?" Has been a constant prayer whispered from the dark of the night to the splintered sunlight of dawn. God has yet to answer that question and some time back, I stopped asking it and changed my tactic to one of simply being still. It's in the stillness that He speaks the loudest. In those quiet, holy moments, I am filled with Heaven's peace and the beauty of surrender imparts the grace I need to carry on one more day. I can't explain it and to try to do so would diminish its power. Years of struggle dissolve like sand in my hands when I choose to trust that He knows exactly what He's doing and what is best for me. He hasn't taken away the pain nor the monumental difficulties that my weakened frame has to face daily, but what He has done is remove my aire of self importance and vain imaginings and draw me to a life of trust. There have been many a day where I have mourned the loss of my mobility and abilities, but that mourning turns into joy when I take my eyes off me and place them where they are born to look. What or who are you looking at today? Is it the hopelessness of your situation? Are you comparing your life to others? Or have you, like me, decided to focus all your attention on the One who really does have all the answers?
I'm not going to pretend it's easy, it isn't, but like most things, it is a choice. Finding joy in the things that you can do, is so worth it rather than slowly extricating yourself from everything that is meaningful. I can't tell you not to become bitter. That's up to you. No, you didn't ask for the suffering and no, you definitely didn't do anything wrong. Those thoughts get you nowhere. Instead, I chose to stop resisting the diseases, which in and if itself is utterly exhausting, and start embracing the opportunities. They definitely exist but you have to be on the lookout for them. Seize each one like a rare and precious jewel and before you know it, you will sparkle with victories you never knew existed.