Doubt And Unbelief

Do you ever get those seasons when you feel utterly hopeless? Seasons of ongoing pain, tragedy or difficulties that bombard night and day for months and months on end and sometimes years. It's hard to to focus on the Lord and honestly, even harder to just keep getting out of bed every day just to have the same stuff assault our senses and ultimately, our faith. 

There's the fist shaking, the foot stamping and the tears of sheer frustration. There's the blaming and yelling and thoughts of consuming doubt and yes, even unbelief. Then the questions come like a wintery avalanche, threatening to block all sense of reason that cram into our minds like an overstuffed container waiting to burst at the seams. Why? How? What? When? Valid but truly unanswerable in the state we're in. Exhaustion follows next, sapping any will power that remained to just keep going. Discouraged and alone in your trial, tears creep slowly down your face and well smudged glasses are tossed aside to gain access to your wrinkled and well worn features. 

Here I am again, Lord. Desperate, needy and tired. Tired of feeling the strain and feeling like I need to keep on going. Progress is unrecognizable if it is happening at all and on days like today, I voice the very words that frighten me most. I'm not sure I believe You want to heal me. I'm not sure I will ever feel well. I'm not sure if this is the best that I can ever feel again. Each day brings new and unwanted symptoms and I'm oh so weary of the fight.

The quietness is deafening. My heart skips and jumps and I fear I have spoken out of turn and I am overcome with a Holy reverence. And still in the silence, something changed. My heart lightened and the tiny seed of hope stirred once more within. It was as if speaking out loud my words of doubt released me from their chains and I knew I could be completely honest with God without retribution. 

God isn't afraid of your feelings. He knows them all. Being honest with yourself and ultimately with God is a healing all of itself. The longer you keep it inside,the more perceived power it has. Go to God, show Him your heart. He can handle it and He knows exactly what to do about it. Doubt is normal when life is hard. It's one of the tools God uses to chisel us into a man or woman of faith. Watching what God does with our tiny faith leads to growth and yes, even harder challenges. We can't ask to be warriors for the Kingdom and not endure the necessary training that must accompany it. There are no shortcuts for the valiant of heart. Dark days will come, but so too will the hope of His glory within you. Even though the enemy screams at you that you are weak and alone, it is not true. Jesus beckons the weary to come to Him and discouraged to hope in Him. Even if you have to crawl to Him on your hands and knees today with the last ounce of strength you have, you will not be disappointed. He will make a way where there is no way.